This is me!

                                                The Tale of Jed Thresher Under protest, and not without a great deal of grumbling, I was attempting to deal with a plague of snails in my garden when the phone rang. Gardening was, at that period in my life, a function that I carried out strictly in self-defence and I was far from dismayed when my wife indicated that the caller wished to speak to me.   Without preamble, the voice at the other end demanded to know if I was Allen, the keyboards player. With some slight hesitation I admitted that the information was accurate. Over several years of deputising with various bands, I had learned to exercise caution in making such admissions, as many semi-professional musicians are reluctant to discuss their earnings with HM Inspectors of Taxes and those Inspectors tend to use similar discretion in disclosing their identit...

  There are some very strange traditions in the British Armed Forces.   The degree of strangeness appears to increase with the age of the Service.   The Royal Navy proudly claims, with some justification to be the Senior Service, founded as it was during the reign of Henry VIII. There are therefore some instances of extremely irrational behaviour by members of that Service. On one occasion the weather had deteriorated to such an extent that our flight of two fighter aircraft were unable to return to our home base and we were obliged to land at Lossiemouth which was, at that time, a Royal Naval air base in the North of Scotland. The four of us were allocated a room and as soon as we had removed the clutter of protective gear deemed vital to fly in a fighter jet we decided to forgo the delights of the base food and set off to walk to the Coulard Inn only a short distance away.   As we approached the gate, we were ordered to halt by the guard. “Where are you going...

  To:   Mr T E McBride From:   Capt A Hall Dear Mr McBride. Before I explain the circumstances surrounding the missing tow tractor, may I extend the good wishes of all the flight deck crews on your long awaited return to work following your extensive stay in hospital.   It is good to learn that you will eventually be able to reduce the Valium dosage to a level that allows you to speak coherently. As you will be aware, the aircraft towing tractors leased to us by the Airport Authority may only be driven by suitably qualified personnel.   I received assurances that, having driven tractors on my uncle’s farm, I met the required criteria.   Although the report filed by Air Traffic regarding an unauthorized crossing of the active runway has some basis in fact, it fails to mention that I made a radio call for clearance in which I may have inadvertently given the impression that I was a British Airways aircraft.   In effect, there is little differen...

To:        Mr T E McBride, CEO From:            Capt A Hall   Dear Mr McBride. It was kind of you to invite both Simon Watson and me to your office the other day.   I have taken careful note of your comments and those of our HR lady, Miss Pegg. Regrettably, because of your sudden illness, we were unable to assure you that we were not responsible for the post-it notes distributed around the VIP Visitor area.   I am quite sure that even senior clergymen have encountered those four letter words on previous occasions and that any outrage displayed was superficial and short lived.   I make the assumption that the note causing most concern was the one on the light switch.   At a quick glance, it is very easy to mistake the phrase “flick off” for something more offensive and I know that His Grace, the Bishop has poor eyesight. Regarding the strongly worded letter from the Engineering mana...

Ice is funny stuff.  In small cubes it can enhance the pleasure of a gin and tonic.  (Please note that tonic really should not constitute more than 30% of a decent G&T.  A slice of lime or lemon is good also) When one is young, ice can provide endless amusement, ice skating springs to mind as does sliding in the school playground whilst ignoring the entreaties of the Headmaster. Ice is not, however a good thing when transportation is involved.  Motor bikes are very badly affected as are cars, lorries and most especially aircraft. The controllabilty of a motor vehicle depends mainly on the abilities of the driver, the pressure in the tyres (or 'tires' if you are 'Murcan, dear reader) and, with due diligence, journeys may be undertaken with a degree of safety. Ice forming on the flying surfaces of an aircraft distorts and destroys the airfoil shape and renders the careful calculations of the designer chaps worthless. It is also very heavy.  Basically, if ...

You have to be a local.   Antigua.   VC Bird International airport, the home base of LIAT, the acronym for Leeward Islands Air Transport.   LIAT had just been taken over by the UK based charter airline who were my employers.   LIAT had a less than pleasant safety record and their continual breaking of the Britten Norman Islanders on landing was a frequent source of worry to the UK based bean counters. Four of us were despatched to Antigua to ascertain the cause of the problem and after several trips flying with the local crews it was apparent that the nose of the aircraft was frequently never raised high enough on the last stage of touchdown.   If the nosewheel touches before the mains, an episode of ‘wheelbarrowing’ occurs and directional control is severely diminished usually causing an ungainly and unintended excursion off the runway and damage to the aircraft. Our attempts to explain and correct this issue resulted in scornful dismissals from the pil...

                                         Letters to McBride 5 To: Mr T E McBride CEO  From: Capt. A Hall  April 13 2002  Dear Mr McBride.  I feel that I must correct any impression that you may have regarding the relationship between Miss Tomlinson and myself. Despite indications to the contrary, nothing of any significance took place at the Christmas party. When I went to the stationery store to rest, Miss Tomlinson was already there, and with the lights out, I tripped over her, thereby causing both of us to fall to the floor. Due, no doubt to our close proximity, she acted in a very friendly manner and I was not aware of any protest on her part. I was greatly surprised when she made a complaint some three days later.  I have apologised to the Financ...