Traditions

 

There are some very strange traditions in the British Armed Forces.  The degree of strangeness appears to increase with the age of the Service.  The Royal Navy proudly claims, with some justification to be the Senior Service, founded as it was during the reign of Henry VIII. There are therefore some instances of extremely irrational behaviour by members of that Service.

On one occasion the weather had deteriorated to such an extent that our flight of two fighter aircraft were unable to return to our home base and we were obliged to land at Lossiemouth which was, at that time, a Royal Naval air base in the North of Scotland.

The four of us were allocated a room and as soon as we had removed the clutter of protective gear deemed vital to fly in a fighter jet we decided to forgo the delights of the base food and set off to walk to the Coulard Inn only a short distance away.  As we approached the gate, we were ordered to halt by the guard.

“Where are you going Sirs?” he asked.

“Down to the pub for something to eat” was the response.

“You’ll have to wait for the liberty boat, gentlemen.  You can’t go ashore without that.”

The liberty boat is apparently the station bus or any official vehicle

“Ashore”?  Considering that Lossie is on dry land and a considerable distance from water of any significance, we were understandably taken aback.  The guard was not to be moved so we retreated to consider our position.  John Waterstone, my navigator solved the problem and we returned to the gate, walking backwards in a straight line, pretending to row.  The guard saw the funny side and looked the other way.

At three in the morning, we were disturbed by a seaman clattering about our room, banging on the windows and examining them with what appeared to be a searchlight.

“What the hell are you doing, sailor?” I asked.

“Checking the portholes for leaks, Sir.”

The Senior Service appeared to be afflicted with the irrationality associated with old age.

In the Royal Air Force, we had very few silly traditions with the exception of formal dinners.  Dining In dinners were for members of the Mess whereas Dining Out dinners included guests and spouses (should that be “spice” I wonder.)  Once the formalities of seating were taken care of, the only traditions concerned the direction in which drinks and condiments are passed round the table.  There is always a high degree of formality and the Loyal Toast is proposed.  The Army and the RAF stand for this toast but Navy personnel remain seated.  Strange.  At Dining In dinners, as the evening progresses and strong liquor takes effect there are frequent deviations from the acceptable behavioural standards expected of officers and gentlemen.  These deviations normally become apparent after the Guest of Honour has taken his (or her) leave but on one occasion, Brett Thomas, a Canadian officer on an exchange visit to our base approached the table containing our base commander, the Air Officer Commanding Fighter Group and a couple of their aides.

“Good evening Sir,” he said. (One always adresses remarks to the senior officer present)  “In Canada, we sometimes entertain honoured guests with some of our own traditions.  Sir, may I demonstrate my own specialty, the tablecloth snatch?”

The base commander appeared unsure but the AOC smiled his encouragement.

Brett carefully gathered the four corners of the tablecloth and brought them together.  Emitting what he fondly imagined was an American Indian war cry, he swept the cloth off the table, cutlery, plates and glasses inside, swung it twice around his head and smashed it down on the bare table. 

He bowed solemnly

“Thank you, Sir and gentlemen.  I hope you have a pleasant evening.”

And I thought that the Navy traditions were crazy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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