Another Day at the Office

 

 

Over many years of providing the organ backing for ecclesiastical functions, I have learned how to avoid many of the numerous pitfalls which infest such occasions and those which must be avoided at all costs.  The majority of such learning comes at the cost of bitter experience and considerable sacrifice of personal dignity.

As in many aspects of show business, the backing group, in this environment known as the choir, can be a major source of concern.  Usually, the choir is a collection of well-meaning local individuals whose vocal talents range from average to abysmal.  The volume of vocal output is commonly directly proportional to their inability to reach high notes with any degree of accuracy and to their tendency towards originality regarding harmonies.

Commonly, the organ is positioned in the church where it is hard to see the backing group and therefore to keep an eye on members with the potential for disruption

 

, usually small boys who have been known to change the lyrics of deeply sensitive and emotive music to words of a bawdier nature.  Despite the vicar’s solemn and heartfelt pronouncements that God loves everyone, I find it hard to believe that the Almighty would smile kindly on a little rug rat who disrupts the proceedings by releasing a singularly athletic frog into the presence of hysterical sopranos.

Naturally, the duties of the organist are not confined to the normal scheduled events.  They are also called upon to perform at such occasions as weddings and funerals.  Of the two, funerals are normally events of a more dignified nature and it is quite unusual for fighting to take place.  However, there have been instances where unkind fate takes a hand.

The ancient and unreliable pipe organ in my local church had finally gone to the great dumpster in the sky and a kindly soul had donated a very fine Yamaha organ to replace it.  As well as an extensive classical organ section, the instrument featured all manner of optional extras such as a percussion section, theatre organs (Okay, “theater” if, dear reader, you happen to be ‘Murcan) and various other attributes.

During a funeral, on the first occasion that I used the organ, the officiant called for a few moments of silent contemplation, during which I was expected to play soft, soothing music to comtemplate by.  I selected what I thought was a simple flute and strings setting.  To my horror, I had inadvertently selected the “Demo” tab and the contemplation was shattered by an electronic rendition of Lady Be Good in the style of a Dixieland jazz band.

Needless to say, that was not well received by some although the mood was somewhat lightened.  As the leading lady (the occupant of the casket) had been in her late nineties and, by all accounts, a lady of a rather gregarious nature, her nearest and dearest remarked later that she would have been delighted at the inappropriate addition to the service.

Well, I guess that’s Show Business!