A VERY silly story

Ben and Beth walk into the schoolyard. 
Ben has been sick on the bus. 
Beth looks at Ben. Ben is a funny green colour. 
Ben had a heavy night last night with Mary 
They had a heavy night under the railway bridge. 

Beth sees Mr. Snelgrove in the schoolyard. 
Mr. Snelgrove is the head teacher. 
Mr. Snelgrove is not very nice. 
Mr. Snelgrove is thin and tall. 
He has a cough and a bad temper. 

Mr. Snelgrove smokes a lot in his room. 
Even though the school is a no smoking zone. 
Beth thinks this is very unfair. 
She has to go behind the toilets when she wants to smoke. 

Mr. Snelgrove sees Beth. He sees Ben. 
He sees Mary and Eric and Darren and Little Sidney. 
“Good morning children!” says Mr. Snelgrove. 
Mr. Snelgrove is smiling. He is smiling at the children. 
Beth looks over her shoulder. 
She looks to see who Mr. Snelgrove is smiling at. 

Mr. Snelgrove never smiles at Beth. He never smiles at Ben. 
He never smiles at Mary or Eric or Darren or Little Sidney. 
Mr. Snelgrove never smiles at anybody except Mrs. Lush. 
Mrs. Lush is the school secretary. 
Mr. Snelgrove likes Mrs. Lush. 
He likes Mrs. Lush a lot. 

Beth knows Mr. Snelgrove likes Mrs. Lush because one day 
Beth found him snogging Mrs. Lush in his office. 
Mr. Snelgrove jumped. Mrs. Lush jumped. They both jumped 
He told Beth that he was getting something out of Mrs. Lush’s eye. 
But when Mr. Snelgrove jumped away from Mrs. Lush 
They made a funny slurping noise and Mr. Snelgrove had lipstick on his cheek. 

When Beth told Mary about Mr. Snelgrove snogging Mrs. Lush 
Mary said that when Mrs. Lush was in school with her Mummy 
she was called the school bicycle because anyone could ride her. 

Ben said, “Why didn’t she melt?” 
Beth sighed. She said “Bicycle Ben. Not icicle.” 
Beth doesn’t think Ben is very bright. 
And he doesn’t pay attention. 
But that is because he is a boy. 

Mr. Snelgrove is smiling. 
He is smiling at the children. 
“Hello children” he says. 
He tries to pat Ben on the head. 
Ben ducks. Ben is more used to smacks than pats. 
His Mummy has a vicious temper. 

Beth sees Mr. Snelgrove’s hand. 
His hand is funny. It is not yellow. 
Mr. Snelgrove has washed his hands. 
Beth sniffs. She thinks, “That’s funny.” 
“That’s funny,” thinks Beth 
“Mr. Snelgrove has washed.” 

Beth and Ben go into the school. 
Mary and Eric go into the school. 
All the children go into the school. 
There is something funny about the school. 
“That’s funny,” thinks Beth. 
“That’s funny,” says Mary. 

The cloakroom is funny. 
The cloakroom is clean. 
The cloakroom has been painted. 
There is no rude writing on the walls. 

The corridor is funny. 
The corridor is clean and painted. 
There are lots of new posters on the walls. 

Mrs. Lush is in the corridor. 
“That’s funny,” thinks Beth. 

Mrs. Lush is not wearing a short skirt. 
Mrs. Lush is not wearing a tight blouse 
Mrs. Lush is not wearing her nose ring. 
Mrs. Lush is not showing her tattoos. 
Mrs. Lush is wearing a sensible dress. 
Mrs. Lush is wearing sensible shoes. 

“Blimey” says Mary. 

The children go into the Hall. 
The Hall is clean and painted. 
There are bookcases with books. 
Now Beth knows why things are funny. 
Beth looks at Mary. 
She looks at her. 

“It’s another fuckin’ OFSTED” says Beth