The McBride Letters No 3

To: Mr T E McBride CEO 


From: Capt. A Hall 
April 11 2002

Dear Mr McBride. 

Thank you for your letter. 

May I start by commenting on your fine sense of humour. Not many men in your position would sign themselves as “The Old Fart,” especially on Company Letterhead. 

As you so forcibly suggested, I have taken Simon Watson, my First Officer aside and requested that he explain the circumstances of the arrest and subsequent delay to the departure of our aircraft from Tenerife. It appears that whilst dining in the Sombrero restaurant, he had extended his hand behind him to relieve muscular tension. At this point, the waitress reversed onto his hand. He tells me that he is unsure why she was walking backwards. 

The ensuing difference of opinion between Simon and the German live-in partner of the waitress was greatly exaggerated by the police. There was admittedly, a somewhat bitter exchange of epithets between the two and one or two blows may have been struck. To describe the incident as a running battle would be an outrageous amplification of the actual sequence of events. Simon has assured me that he climbed up on the counter in an attempt to escape from the other party who was brandishing cutlery in a threatening manner. The subsequent collapse of the counter and accompanying demolition of the adjoining cold display cabinet confirms my long held suspicions regarding the quality of foreign construction work. 

It was unfortunate that the two German tourists who were also dining at the Sombrero decided to become involved. On reflection, it was probably not conducive to Anglo-German relationships to demonstrate the goose-step when the situation was already so tense. I was not aware that the waitress’s partner was so sensitive about the history of his fatherland. You might care to consider that the odds were now heavily weighted against us and that it was predictable that the two English diners decided to attempt to recover the situation. I imagine that the inference made by the manager of the restaurant was not well received. After all, it is unjustified to refer to a person as a ‘Tattooed English lager-lout’ without just cause. I am not certain as to how the manager’s head got wedged in the toilet bowl, but I am sure that he will recover fully in the course of time. 

The small fire caused when I accidentally knocked over a table bearing the oil lamp would not have spread to the roof of the restaurant had I not been prevented from extinguishing it by the only means at my disposal. Any reasonable person would have considered that there was enough confusion without accusing me of indecent exposure and causing outrage to Public Decency. 

I am of the opinion that there is no such thing as bad publicity. The coverage of the events at the Sombrero by the local television station mentioned the airline no less than seven times. I am disappointed that you feel that the reputation of the Company has been harmed. Perhaps an investigation into the relationship between the young lady journalist and the owner of the Sombrero might provide a clue as to her very obvious bias against us. It was unfair to attempt to interview us as we were leaving the police station after our release. I strongly suspect that the soundtrack was overdubbed because I most certainly do not recall inviting her cameraman to insert his equipment into any portion of his anatomy. 

Once again, I regret that you have been troubled by circumstances concerning my crew. I have taken appropriate steps to ensure that your warnings and instructions regarding Company reputation are taken fully into account. 

Best regards 

Allen Hall 

Jenny – You did it AGAIN! Surely you must have realised that when I wrote about ‘the old fart,’ it wasn’t meant to be included! If this is some sort of revenge for the regrettable episode at the Christmas party, I already apologised for that. 



Cheers 

Allen.